How Much is Enough?

You know the days where you think things cant possibly get any worse... and then they do? This was definately one of those days.


Let me paint you a picture of my day... I wake up, unable to move because the pain has set in quite horribly this morning. (When i say wake up, i don't actually mean from sleep, because 2 days ago i ran out of my sleeping pills which were the only thing that could render my body sleep. This is just a state of exhaustion, in which my mind shuts down only to a certain point.) Knowing i have only 4 pain pills left, I struggle to get out of my bed, moaning from the pain it brings... going straight for the only thing that will bring me a little relief-- vicodin. 


Mom sees the pain in my eyes as i slowly make my way to the kitchen. No longer able to watch me in pain day after day, she picks up the phone and calls my doctor. An appointment is made... I will now have to explain that all of my symptoms have returned and face the fact that the chemo i have been working so hard to avoid, is now quite possibly unavoidable. I break down, sobbing.


Taxed by the decision only i can make, i sit, silent, lost in my thoughts.Will i be letting down those who want me to continue with the natural route? Have i tried hard enough? By choosing the chemo, am i taking the easy way out? All i can do is wait and try to sort out the pro's and con's. The pain has finally pushed me to this point, though i am not ready to face it. 

The phone rings... Its my case worker from the Department of Human Services. My application for the Retroactive Medicaid has been denied, on the grounds of, "I have not been disabled long enough to be eligable for help".  

My mind is blank... I havent been sick long enough for them? How about a few more days, a few more months, a few more years... trapped, bound to a life of pain and missing out on the dreams i had for myself. What would make them happy? How much time do i need to suffer in order for me to be "good enough" for help? 

Its days like this that i feel going on is impossible. Where is the Lord in all of this? Why on earth am i sick? Why, Why, Why. 

Frustrated, confused, and angry... i push forward, wondering what tomorrow will bring.  

Back to Blogging

With a little friendly nudging from my dear sister in law, i am finally paying the much needed attention to my blog. You will have to forgive me for taking so long to continue my rantings about life with my disesase... I was gone for a week in Tennesse to see some close friends graduate, and since my return, my health has been a bit of a challenge.

For the past 2 1/2 weeks the pain that i worked so dearly to keep away has returned... Its been a roller coaster trying to keep myself going, and all i want to do is give up. It seems as though, no matter what i try, the aches and pains are more prominent than ever. Today its my hands, elbows, and the most wicked sore neck imaginable. Unfortunately the Vicodin that once eased the pain, now merely has the effect of a single dose of tylenol. I have decided the "grin and bear it" theory works best for me now...

Being a 22 year old, RN, has been so much different than i had imagined. Unable to work, constant pain, and the want to stay home, rather than be out with friends.. wasnt the idea i had run through my mind on those final stressful days of college. Yes, plans have changed, my have they changed. Unfortunately, throwing a pity party for myself wont make the circumstances better either...

 So here's to another day... Aching from head to toe, but fighting to move on despite it. :-) And hoping each tomorrow is just a little bit better!