You know the days where you think things cant possibly get any worse... and then they do? This was definately one of those days.
Let me paint you a picture of my day... I wake up, unable to move because the pain has set in quite horribly this morning. (When i say wake up, i don't actually mean from sleep, because 2 days ago i ran out of my sleeping pills which were the only thing that could render my body sleep. This is just a state of exhaustion, in which my mind shuts down only to a certain point.) Knowing i have only 4 pain pills left, I struggle to get out of my bed, moaning from the pain it brings... going straight for the only thing that will bring me a little relief-- vicodin.
Mom sees the pain in my eyes as i slowly make my way to the kitchen. No longer able to watch me in pain day after day, she picks up the phone and calls my doctor. An appointment is made... I will now have to explain that all of my symptoms have returned and face the fact that the chemo i have been working so hard to avoid, is now quite possibly unavoidable. I break down, sobbing.
Taxed by the decision only i can make, i sit, silent, lost in my thoughts.Will i be letting down those who want me to continue with the natural route? Have i tried hard enough? By choosing the chemo, am i taking the easy way out? All i can do is wait and try to sort out the pro's and con's. The pain has finally pushed me to this point, though i am not ready to face it.
The phone rings... Its my case worker from the Department of Human Services. My application for the Retroactive Medicaid has been denied, on the grounds of, "I have not been disabled long enough to be eligable for help".
My mind is blank... I havent been sick long enough for them? How about a few more days, a few more months, a few more years... trapped, bound to a life of pain and missing out on the dreams i had for myself. What would make them happy? How much time do i need to suffer in order for me to be "good enough" for help?
Its days like this that i feel going on is impossible. Where is the Lord in all of this? Why on earth am i sick? Why, Why, Why.
Frustrated, confused, and angry... i push forward, wondering what tomorrow will bring.
Hi Abbey,
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if you will read ths you haven't posted in a while but I found your blog through your sisters blog and although I have not been through the pain you have , I too have suffered with health issues and my life altered. I'm not sure if there is but you may want to check out if there is a link to your autoimmune disease and thyroid disease.
I found my answers at Stop The Thyroid Madness.com and you may be surprised when you read the section "stories of others" how bad it can get when you are undertreated or misdiagnosed. Well it is a shot in the dark of course and I felt compelled to reach out and see if it might help you.
In hopes that you are improving or have found some answers since your last post.
Sandra